Sunday, 13 June 2010

the forecast is rain, with intervals of sunshine

Wow, it's been a while since i last posted. I did one around xmas time but it wasn't in keeping with my illustration stuff so it had to go *chop chop*.

I think I've not posted because I'd been working so hard on the book and getting stuff done for deadline. I finally sent some work to the publisher which i was really proud of and thought would make great pages. Due to some mis-communication, problems and hair pulling i was told they weren't suitable. I shan't list the negatives as it'd only refuel my thoughts I'd had about this and anyway it'd probably feel like pulling a plaster off real slow.

The negatives knocked me side-ways, upside down, all over the place and i found it difficult to pick myself back up. I'd worked so hard on these images and to find they only liked one small vignette and wanted me base the rest of my work around that was hard to stomach. I didn't pick my pencils/paintbrush up for a couple of weeks and sought advice from anywhere i could get it on how to pull through this. But at the back of my mind i thought...

*It's hard to face a bag of negatives in a positive light when you're only offered a positive in a negative reflection*

My thoughts started to spiral downwards and i became very negative. It felt like someone was stabbing me over and over again. My brain kept saying *what do i have to do to please these people*, but i was told over and over again by friends that *these people* are business people and in the end they have to make money, so my feelings aren't really a concern.

i really thought I'd got a grip of negative criticism over the years, but this made me realise i needed a new safety net for when i fell.

From all the negatives , i had to eventually find some solace in the little positive remark and the remarks from friends and strangers. But mainly, I had to realise that i am not just book illustration, that is not who i am, i am more than that. I can't rely on that external work to pad out my own psyche, i needed to reach inside and get back to me.

I can't say it's been easy, but i can say it's been a bloody weird journey! I am still not 100% but i feel better about myself and my work. Who knows where all this will go, maybe i am not destined to stay in this industry, i can't control that but i can have bloody good stab at it.